Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
