i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
