All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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