i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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