So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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