In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
