she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
