I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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