Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
