I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
