I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
