everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize