he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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