So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
