My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
