im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
