Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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