I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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