I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
