He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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