My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
