So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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