Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
