it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
