Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
