My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
