how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize