I puked a lego.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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