sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
