sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
whose parrot is this?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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