Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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