too bad you live with your parents still
I just cut my nipple shaving
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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