Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
