I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Randomize
