I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
