Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
