My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
