So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
