I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
