I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
