I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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