Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize