I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
