Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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