Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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