my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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