I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Randomize
