i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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