Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You can't special order awesome
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
