he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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