I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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