the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
