We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
