you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
