Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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