"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
