that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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