conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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