...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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