I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize