i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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