hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
