Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
