I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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