Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
