I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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