I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
