Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
